Does Any One Know the Heimlich??
Published on October 16, 2008
I’m going to be honest here.
I’m going to just speak from my heart and say what’s been building up—and sitting like a wad of taffy lodge between my throat and my heart.
For awhile now.
Today is/was officially DAY 11 of the 100 Day Reality Challenge. I never join these kind of things…so I’m actually surprised what an impact it has actually made on my perspective and life so far. I joined because it fits directly with the ideas and values I think about and hold dear…but it gives me an atmosphere to really explore those ideas and values…and find others who are traveling on similar journeys.
Ok. I was suppose to be honest…get to the point, you’re saying.
In the challenge you are invited to exclaim your intentions and goals for the next 100 days. I started this little experiment on October 5th–the season, as they call it, ends on January 12th. That’s a nice chunk of time…will take me right through the holidays, my birthday, and into the new year. Nice.
So in creating my intentions, I thought about the things that are very important to me. First and foremost, my spiritual journey. I want to practice being impeccable with my word (taken directly from the amazing book The Four Agreements). I want to practice not participating both verbally and mentally in negative conversations and/or thoughts. I really started exploring and challenging myself with this one last week…and it is always a daily practice. When you become fully aware of how often negativity seeps into your thoughts and words…you would be amazed. But I’m trying. Also tied into my spiritual journey is my meditation practice and my creativity that plays directly into my spiritual quest–like vision boards and my healing art journal!!! Plus, I consider my relationship with Hansel to be a huge part of my spiritual journey, and this is something that needs daily care and nurture also.
Every morning, before I begin my Yoga practice, I’ve been writing my intentions for my practice as well for the day. Many new intentions for my spiritual journey have appeared…and it makes me more and more aware of how little I really know about this divine being that is really me. So much of what we do–how we act and react–what we wear–what we eat–our little routines…they are all on autopilot…and they only take care of the physical part of us. What do we do to take care of that delicious part of us that is truly our soul–our authentic self–our spirit. How much time do we spend sitting in our own light? Just feeling what it is to simply be.
That takes me to my second main intention…my body. My main focus for my intentions is to be more mindful of my food and what I eat. Lately, I have been working on studying food and its healing effects. I’ve been reading alot about how eating clean, organic, whole foods (not processed or with additives and preservatives) plus made with great love and spirit adds to the overall health and spiritual journey of a person. I have been focusing on this strongly in the past 11 days…and even keeping a food journal. Working in an elementary school is the next closest thing to working in a candy/junk food factory! Believe me..temptation is around every corner.
So my spiritual journey, my body, then comes my Art and Creativity. My main intention here is to create a series of paintings that is cohesive and explores one theme in various ways. At the end of this season I would like to have enough paintings to create a portfolio to submit to galleries. What my intention is is to follow my heart on my ladies paintings. I’m really excited about them, and making them has become such a spiritual act. Plus, the thing I love the most is I am making them fully and 100%ly for me. I am not thinking if I should make them into prints or how much I should post them for on Etsy. I just want to make them..and make a bunch of them…create a family…see where this takes me. And yes, the only “businessy” thing about making them is that I want them to be in a gallery–on my page in the 100 Day Reality Challenge I specifically stated galleries in Bisbee, Jerome, Prescott, and Phoenix, AZ. The cool galleries–none of that bourgeois stuff!!! But I would like for them to be in a gallery all for the conversation and real life interaction part. There is something intimate and direct about being in a gallery, especially at an opening, and having people interact with your work on a more personal level.
Next, is my language studies. I’ve been going to school and learning Spanish for quite awhile now. But truth, I get lazy with doing homework and studying as much as I should. When we are around Spanish speakers, I freeze–because I fear looking or more like sounding stupid. I always use the wrong tense or conjugate the words wrong or something..and I get discouraged. But learning Spanish is very important to me…important in helping me pursue what my BIG, GRANDE, MAIN INTENTION is!!!
Last, we come to my career. Alright…this is where I need to be honest. This is where I need to express and release that wad of something sitting in my throat.
The truth is.
I go to work with all the greatest intentions. I believe in what I do. I have all the right ideas in my head. I walk in there feeling and staying positive. But then…then something happens. I noticed it today especially. I was feeling great…and then…somewhere towards the middle of the morning, I start to get that feeling again..that this isn’t really it. Yeah, the truth is…I push it aside a bit. I try to justify my being there. I tell myself what a great opportunity on my spiritual journey it is. I express gratitude to the universe for even having a decent paying job with benefits and lots of time off. I smile, I’m kind, I give, I love. Then around 4PM I go home. Not a bad day, is it? Then why do I constantly have this wad in my throat? I noticed it today…around 10:30. And when I noticed it, I stopped dead in my tracks. I had clay in my hand, 32 eighth graders sitting around me, an apron on made of denim and covered in clay and tempera paints, and I was wearing my Yoga pants–which goes all against dress code, but I don’t care. I stopped for this second and wondered how did I get here? Students…like four at a time…yell out “Ms. H!! Ms. H!! I need your help.” And I could feel this something sitting right there…in between my throat and my heart…a little wad of something. I look quickly at the clock…and I realized right that second…that I don’t really want to be here. Not being this.
I love teaching. I love Art. I love sharing Creativity and nurturing Creativity and discovering my own and helping others discover their own Creativity. I love talking about Art and thinking about it and watching others create it. I believe in the great power of Art and Creativity. I know that what I do at this school makes a difference. I know that I am a good teacher, and that I care incredibly about each one of those individuals I see for a micro-second of time. But there’s this wad in my throat. Words I can’t seem to pronounce. Ideas that aren’t clear. Something. Something. SOMETHING!!!
I can’t quite figure it out yet. Truth is…it surfaces…and right before the syllables get all in place…I suppress it. I know that’s what I do.
So, here’s the thing…here’s where I am going to be juicy, juicy, juicy honest….c’mon…help me please…ask me: “Connie, what is it you really want?”
Well, I’ll tell you. Because I have a pretty good idea, for the most part.
I want to be living in Costa Rica with Hansel in our home that we build (we want to build an earth bag house–or one similar to the tree house I showed recently in a video HERE on the proberty we already have waiting). In back we have a little place where I hold classes…both Art and Yoga. Nothing fancy. Just a beautiful, covered, open space that will fit a few tables and Yoga mats. People from all over the world come. Eventually my place will turn into a healing haven…and we will offer lots more. My life is full of peace, love, authenticity, love, creativity, love, and I feel in alignment in what I do, where we live, and how we live. We are part of a community that we believe in. We have a garden and a surplus that we share. We have family around us. We help others and others help us. Like I said–a community–of kindred souls. I help others create and find peace, and in return, I find a more deeper and connected sense of peace and creativity. I paint, I write, I sew. I do Yoga. We live off the land. We move, breathe, think, and spend our days in a much slower pace. And when we can–we go surfing!!!
See, my dear bloggy ladies. This is my real dream. This is what I believe is really going to happen. This is something Hansel and I discuss EVERY SINGLE DAY. So why didn’t I put this in my 100 Day Reality Challenge intentions?? Because…I don’t believe I can manifest $20,000. in 100 days to pay off some debt that we need to do before hitting the road through Central America and homeward bound!!!
This is the truth…the whole truth..and nothing but the truth….it’s that number. That number written on paper that keeps me in the security of my job. It’s that number that keeps us here, suppressing any words or thoughts that allude to an idea that we are “stuck”. It’s that number that has become worn out wrapping paper on the wad inside my throat.
But, I’m a Yogini. And, I believe that everything is part of my practice. That everything, including that number, was given to me to help me on my spiritual journey. $20,000. is just another asana.
But in the mean time, I can’t keep ignoring this wad in my throat. I think I need the heimlich!!
Join The Paint Wisdom Newsletter!
My weekly newsletter is filled with studio updates,
announcements,& short musings intended to nourish your Artist Soul.