Published on January 21, 2009
(Thank you Jennyfur..thank you.)
It’s 6:40 AM as I write this..and its not like me to be blogging right now. Usually I’d be on my Yoga mat…but lately all I do is wake up with this feeling that I don’t want to go to work. Yep. I’m sure you deal with this too. But why—I asked myself this before in a post. Is it habit? Or is there something else going on here? I’m honestly debating playing hookie today..just because I had very little sleep. I was tossing and turning, and woke up in a great panic many times during the night–thinking someone was going to kill me.
Wow, I’m being honest here.
Even though as a teacher we are granted so many paid sick days a year, I always feel guilty about taking them…like I’m slacking on my job. And its not in me to slack at anything I do. But at the same time–those are technically my days–they pay me for them–why not.
I have had numerous jobs in my life. From working as a gallery assistant, to a costume designer and wardrobe girl in the theater, to cocktail waitress on a dinner ship, to manager of a restaurant, to bartender in a wine bar, to art teacher in a museum, for the deaf, in a private school, a Montessori school, in the roughest neighborhood in AZ, to the place I am now. Every job I’ve had, I’ve loved—and then something starts to push me to grow–to move on–to do something new. Every job I’ve had before when I hear that calling–I go. No thoughts about it. I’ve even quit my job before with nothing lined up and no money in the bank, knowing the Universe would deliver.
Christine over at Blisschick told me once that she understands—that its hard sometimes–because we think of the job as a teacher as such a noble profession–like we are doing such a great service to our community–there is this guilty feeling that creeps up, when you think this is not for me. This is not where I belong.
That’s how I feel my friends. I can’t deny it anymore…and interesting enough—I started Dirty Footprints in April of ’08. Almost a year now…and when I started this blog–I was saying the same thing. When do you think I’ll actually do something about it?
What I do is go into work looking at it as my Yoga practice. Like a warrior pose that you stand in for eight long hours–maybe I loosen my front leg a little here and there–or switch from left to right-even toss my weight from front to back at times–but it takes strength, focus, and surrender to keep this pose for that long. And even though I love the kids…and I love teaching Art…and I love making things with them…I can’t stand being part of this place–full of so much negativity and confusion and disrespect for one another.
But that doesn’t matter. This is something else…like something is calling me…something is telling me to move forward with my dreams.
And, part of it. Ok, I’m going to be honest here…part of it is that I’m a bit afraid.
I think that’s where my last post came from–trying to recruit others to join me–pump everyone up like we’re at a pep rally for a big game! C’mon ladies—lets do it together…when in truth..its only me that can make these steps forward. Maybe our energy will align nicely together–but our journeys are still are own.
All I can think of is our new president..how many people said it wasn’t possible…how history has proven that it is not possible…but how one person’s dream can be catchy–and inspire others to dream…then the last thing you know…anything is possible. Nothing is a dream.
So I thank you for listening, for giving me the safety to bare my soul for awhile. It’s a little after seven now, and I need to decide. Do I go in and face another day—or give myself a break and escape–play hookie!
Peace & Love.