It’s All About Me
Published on January 17, 2010
This week I hit publish on my last post and felt like a world was lifted off my shoulders. Being a blogger, there are those unwritten rules of blogging etiquette one “should” follow. I was ok with just not writing, but this irking to be polite and leave a sign in my window saying that I’d be back later seemed more appropriate.
And now, here I am again, a few days later.
Call me wishy washy if you like.
But I came to some major realizations in this short period of time.
Thursday night I emailed a group of bloggy friends I have. We call ourselves the Nurture Huddle–and we meet on the phone a couple times a month to support, challenge, and celebrate one another. This is a phenomenal group of chicas, that I am beyond grateful and proud to call my friends. But, in the last few months, I haven’t made our calls and have neglected our little circle altogether without much explanation of why or what was really going on in my life.
Recently, I realized that this is something huge that I do. HUGE.
I book. I run. I don’t show up to the party and I don’t call to say I’m sorry. I just hide and burrow into my little world until the storm passes and the sun is shining again.
Recently, also, I realized that this is a HUGE obstacle I put in my own way.
I don’t let (many) others see me at my lowest. I’d rather YOU see the Creative Juicy Connie that’s got things happening and knows where’s she heading…instead of the confused, in pain, a bit crazy and neurotic Connie that I’ve been feeling like lately. Even though I’ve been talking Creative Juicy…it’s all been hot air covered in sprinkles and carmel sauce.
So, like I was saying. I emailed my Nurture Huddle to confess where I am and what has been going on with me. I wrote, deleted, wrote, deleted, and wrote again until I could get past my fear of not being perfect and altogether…and then I hit send.
What was waiting for me in the morning was the biggest wave of love and support and understanding and pure, pure, pure caring. For me. For each other.
I read these beautiful emails at school, as tears rolled down my cheeks…and I felt worlds better. I left my computer monitor to a whirlwind of students that day–and we laughed, and we sang, and we had a few Friday dance parties in my classroom. The love that was showered upon me from my Huddlers was pouring over my students…and who know’s where it might have gone from there.
I would have never met my Nurture Huddle, if it wasn’t for Dirty Footprints Studio. I would have never had such a huge release and movement of healing–if I hadn’t gotten over my fear of writing my purest truth, like I did this week.
I learned something so huge, so powerful, so beautiful in just these past days. And I am here to say that Dirty Footprints Studio is my space. A place I’ve created. A place, that holds at its core my intention to document this wonderful thing I call my Creative Juicy Life. And what makes it so wonderful are these moments I speak of here–but they are not possible–growth is not possible, without being honest about my pain and imperfections.
I declared that I was taking a bloggy break, because I desire change so deeply you have no idea. I declared that I was taking a bloggy break because I wanted to hide until the sun started shining again. I declared that I was taking a bloggy break because I wanted to come back when things actually made a little sense, when I knew exactly what it was I was doing–and how to define exactly what it is I want now..because, things, you see, are so wildly changing right now for me. Wildly.
But the truth is….a bloggy break is just another obstacle I put in front of myself. Just another door I shut, to keep myself stuck in this same little cocoon.
I am declaring right now that I am not taking a bloggy break. But rather, Dirty Footprints Studio is taking a cleanse. I am purging some old ideas and toxic ways that I related to this space, and instead, creating openness for my journey into TRUST, COMMITMENT, and TRUTH. I will blog when I want…and I will challenge myself to be completely honest…as scary as that may seem at times for me. I’m not going to worry about being cohesive or clever. I’m not going to worry if I have followers or not. I’m not writing this to intentionally inspire and help others on their path. This space is no longer about community, so I am omitting the opportunity to leave comments (though I am always open and happy to receive emails–you can still reach me HERE). But that is not to say that I don’t LOVE you, or that I am not deeply grateful and appreciative of all the LOVE and support you have showered me with in your comments. Though, for now, I am taking the focus off of spreading the power of creativity into the world…and instead transforming this into a sacred place for ME. For ME to fully express myself. For my own journey and creativity. For my own words of truth–a safe place for me to face my obstacles, instead of build new ones.
I am declaring that this is a starting point for me to sincerely and seriously begin writing the chronicles of my Creative Juicy Life.