The Dirty Footprints Way
Published on January 26, 2010
I had an appointment today.
I had to take off the morning from work and drive downtown.
An appointment to settle something. To get things in order, and to move in the right direction.
An appointment that has caused me great stress and worry for quite awhile. But done. Over.
I can move on.
But here’s the real thing. I haven’t been sleeping well for awhile.
Lately I have alot of nightmares. Some where I wake up screaming. (Poor Hansel.)
And I knew sooner or later, things would catch up. My body would have enough and shut off again.
So instead of returning to work like I should…because I have a HUGE deadline on Thursday–with a million and one things that need to be done by then—
I decided to take care of me first, so here I am in bed (with my laptop none the less).
Now I have people pissed at me, and an even bigger load of work waiting to be done.
But this is nothing new. I’m not singing a new tune. I feel sick. My head, my throat, my lungs are all congested and sore. My energy has hit low. I feel horrible, achy, groggy. But this is a cycle. A cycle I seem to keep repeating…for years now. Years.
And I’m here to admit it to myself, that it has everything to do with not living my complete truth.
There it is.
Then, guess what happens? Guess how the Universe bows down and kisses my sick, congested forehead?
Answer: with a sweet oracle from southern Indiana!
I’m not going to sugar coat this, I’ve been having a rough-confusing-lost-kind-of-feeling-kind-of time. It’s obvious as I reflect it here on my blog. I say this, do that, say this, do something else. Yada yada yada.
But that’s ok. We are all human, and we all have periods of feeling lost, confused, in transition. We all have periods where we might try something for awhile, then drop it when it no longer serves us. It’s ok, we can all take as long of a time as we need or as short of an interlude as necessary. It’s ALL ok…cause all of us, I included, are on the same journey of finding our own truth–if we know it or not. It just happens that I know it, and that tends to add more stress sometimes.
And the truth keeps hitting me over and over again in the noggin!
Today, I received a lovely gift from an oracle that goes as Lisa from the blog Life Unity. She made me the most thoughtful, Creative Juicy, heartfelt gifts to show me her gratitude for what I share here on Dirty Footprints Studio. She included in this gift a beautiful card with words that spoke to me as if my angel was shouting in my ear.
A light came on today.
I can see myself a little clearer.
I’ve been running away again. I’ve been shutting doors and turning keys on locks. When I shut off the comments option on this blog–I was doing just that. So many of you wrote me the most supportive, loving, understanding emails—but no one yelled at me–no one told me that I was closing myself off once again. Not until now….when Lisa, in all her kindness and beauty told me what Dirty Footprints Studio meant to her, and how it helped her. How she felt connected through my words–to what I feel connected to when I write them—our journey into truth.
I’ve been feeling so exhausted. Drained. And recently to seize my energy back, I started setting up boundaries for myself.
But today I learned that those boundaries need to be constructed in those areas that cause me actual stress and insist I be less of who I am. Not in the places where I find support, encouragement, LOVE, and most especially understanding. Not in the places where I feel passionate, creative, and excited about my work. Not in the one place where I am free to be fully ME.
So, I’m opening up the door again in Dirty Footprints Studio. I’m inviting you in. I’m sharing my space with you, my words with you, and my heart with you and I’m embracing the beautiful love and support you shower me with. Even through the dusty hard times. Even when things are Creative Juicy. Even when I’m not sure of who I truly am. Even when I’m afraid of being vulnerable and raw.
I am choosing to live life with the lights on and doors open…that’s gonna be the Dirty Footprints Way!