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Choosing This Life

INTO THE DEEP UNKNOWN
Morning Drawing, Oil Pastel On Paper
So ever since my first morning on my retreat, I have been creating intuitive oil pastel drawings first thing in the morning. I used to get up and do Yoga right away. But I realize now that that is what I thought I should do to begin my day in a spiritual manner. But lately, my morning practice hasn’t seemed right…my body doesn’t feel open for it yet….I prefer Yoga in the evening again–like I did when I was in my early twenties. So I decided awhile ago to honor that. But–something’s been missing without a usual morning ritual. And then…it came to me…out of nowhere.
Draw. Paint. Stretch my Creative Juicy muscles instead.
And this works. Like some people wake up and do morning pages–the kind championed by Julia Cameron of the book The Artist Way—I like to think of these as Morning Drawings. And it feels right. And it purges things out of me and puts it there on the paper so I can go about my day.

GROW DEEPER
Morning Drawing, Oil Pastel On Paper
So, I need to tell you something.
When I was at the Wild Heart Painting Retreat, I had an awakening. A vision you could say. I had an understanding so deep–that it kept me up all night Saturday with this spinning over my heart chakra that literally felt like a wheel spinning. That’s when I knew that things had made a major shift…and either I could ignore it, stay put in my comfortable life and routine, or follow the voice of the Queen I was hearing–and begin a new journey into the deep unknown.
I have chosen to begin a new journey. I have chosen to dive, head first, into the sea of the great, deep, unknown. I have chosen to live my life in complete alignment of heart, soul, and action. I have chosen to claim my energy and time to be fully my own to decide what and how I use it. I have chosen to go about something, I have no idea how to do. I have chosen to finally walk the life I was meant to live. I have chosen what I will do next, and that is the most powerful thing any of us can do.
So what is it, you wonder?
Well, I came home and told Hansel that I no longer can wait to open my painting retreat place in Costa Rica. I have to open it here. Now. Where we live. Arizona. I have to open it because basically the Queen told me.
I know…I sound crazy.
But it’s not.
I can’t keep working the job I have now as well. It sucks too much of my time and energy in a fashion that does not support what my heart and soul desire. So, I went into work last week, emailed my supervisor and principal, and informed them that I wanted to work part time next year.
I was honest with them. I told them that I needed more time to work on my own dream–my own business–I told them that I needed to open a painting place here–and that I couldn’t pull it off if I was still working full time—and I told them that I really had no idea how I was going to do this at all–but I was open now to listening to the direction, the guidance that is leading me.
My supervisor, in a motherly way, tried to change my mind. She tried to scare me by telling me how hard it will be with half my salary and yada yada yada.
But I finally just looked at her and told her that if I didn’t do this–that if I didn’t take the risk–I would never grow.
And, when I said this, I surprised myself even. The whole tone changed….and it was like all of us knew right then….I was no longer in charge…the Queen, the Goddess is working through me here. She’s calling the shots. And she needs me to work there THIS YEAR part time–so I can have a bridge to this next chapter of my Creative Juicy Life….but she has bigger plans for me.

TENSION
Morning Drawing, Oil Pastel On Paper
So that’s the deal. All the logistical stuff is almost final…I’ll be working part time in a different school next year…and today was the last day of a rotation of classes…and I told those kiddos I wouldn’t be seeing them next year. That to me, made all of this more final. Their hugs, their tears, their begging and pleading–their innocent worry pulled at my heart strings. But I know this is only the beginning. The beginning of quite a few obstacles that will be presented in my way.
And in just this past week, I learned so completely, that the biggest obstacle I face is myself. There is a tension between what I think I should do–and what I am guided to do by a force so much bigger and stronger then me.
And I’m choosing to lead my life by following this voice that is guiding me. I am choosing and choosing and choosing.
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