Starting to Find My Words

Ok. I think I’m ready to talk now.
It’s been over a week since I was at the Wild Heart Painting Retreat, and I finally think I am able to begin to put into words what happened…what I experienced…AND how I became awakened and enlightened all in one big wave.
I think. I think I’m ready.

The thing is…I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect ANY of this.
I thought for the most part I would go to this retreat and get my paint on. I had intentions to paint BIG and that’s about it.
Well, maybe I didn’t have expectations…but I knew.

I knew that this would be a weekend of more then getting my paint-on. More then painting big.

But I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect that I would have such a deeper understanding of myself that I would have to come back home and rearrange everything–to better fit this new Creative Juicy Life I have decided to finally possess completely.

You see, I learned a few things.

I learned that number one–I am always guided. Seriously. Always guided.

And this guidance is so simple–so easy–so present–and so damn loud–that I don’t know how I’ve missed it before.

This guidance is the exact thing I’ve been looking for for years when it comes to my Art and my painting. For some reason–this guidance–this voice I heard became fully alive when I was at the Creative Juices Arts studio–that at times it became overwhelming, even frustrating, and sometimes frightening. This guidance…this voice…this Queen…this Goddess guided me to paint..and through painting….everything began to unravel and reveal itself to me.

For one thing, I learned that I am by heart, by soul, by life–a painter. This is the one and true constant that has been with me since my youth. This is the one and true thing I know about myself. For as long as I live, I know painting will always be a big part of who I am–and why I was placed upon this planet at this time. And when I say painting, I mean the sacred act of picking up a brush and letting the color, line, pattern, images, and story become an honest expression of who I am at that moment.

And as I spent the weekend painting in silence, I examined how I felt about painting–instead of examining my painting itself. And this made the world of difference. This was groundbreaking. This is how I began to awaken.

I learned that enough is enough. I have purpose here on this planet. That what I do has purpose. Even if the monetary “value” says differently.

I learned that I believe…yes, deep down, with all my heart, believe in Art–especially painting. I believe in it as a bridge to the spirit world–to that juicy part of my existence that I struggle finding connection with sometimes.

I learned that I madly, passionately LOVE the part of me that longs to paint and draw and create wildly that I am willing to take a huge risk to see HER live her dreams completely. I am done with pushing HER in the corner and waiting for the right moment, time, or place for HER to spread HER wings. I am ready to let HER go crazy–and to paint–live–and breathe each breath into HER truest self COMPLETELY.

On my last day of the retreat, all of us dangerously, wild heart women sat together and talked about our experience so far. I broke into tears and said that I felt fucked! Because now I had to go home and rearrange everything to fit this new Creative Juicy Life I have discovered.

I wasn’t kidding. I wasn’t joking.

And all last week…that’s what I did.

And now…well…..more tomorrow…enough said.

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