I Need You To Hear Me
Published on July 8, 2010
Yesterday Hansel and I went to Jerome, Arizona. It’s a little historic miner’s town on the side of a cliff–better known now as an Artist colony. A place of wonderful eccentrics and color, color, colors.
It was Hansel’s birthday, you see. But that is not all we were celebrating.
I have a little secret. Something I’ve been keeping with me the past few days. I wasn’t going to tell you until August–just so I could relish in it a little longer. But screw it–I’m ready.
I want you to hear me. I want you to see me. I want you to be a witness to the beauty, and awe that I am truly feeling.
On July 6th–dear Frida Kahlo’s 103rd birthday, I walked into the school I was going to be teaching at this Fall and handed in my resignation letter.
Just like that. Done with all that unhappiness and stress. Done with waiting and accepting second best for the Life that I live. Done with being a part of a system I don’t agree with–don’t believe in.
So I’m sure you’re wondering….what’s the story–how did this happen–what did I miss?
I’ll tell you. I’ll share everything. I want you to hear me. I want you to see me. I want you to be a witness to the beauty, and awe that I am truly feeling.
Well, as some of you may know–I had a major break through in March at Chris Zydel’s Painting From The Wild Heart Retreat. You can read about it HERE. Ever since that day that I came home and declared to the Universe that the time for living my dreams is NOW and right HERE–opprotunities, commissions, amazing experiences, and the most incredible people ever have been flooding my personal landscape.
So I decided to tell my work that next school year I would be going down to part time. Playing it safe–still time to work on my own stuff–feel like the real me–but have “a steady income”.
What the hell was I thinking?
Literally, the day after school let out this May–I have been on fire. I’ll admit it. I wake up every morning in complete awe and wonder of the amazing gifts that keep coming to me.
I can’t tell you how incredible it feels to all of a sudden realize that you are actually living your dream.
Then last week hit. The midpoint in my ten week summer break. And with a call from the other Art teacher at the school I was going to be working at–my body began to react negatively–I started to shut down with only the thought that I would have to return to a job that no longer feels like it fits–that is absolutely no longer a part of who I really am.
At first I just couldn’t eat.
Then I couldn’t sleep.
Then all I was doing was crying and basically throwing tantrums that I didn’t want to go back.
Then my stomach started to break into massive pain. That was the clue–the clue I knew I had to stop.
Sit with this.
Ask myself what is it that is happening? What is it that my body is trying to say? What internal wisdom am I not listening to—that is showing up in this horrible, ridiculous way?
It was in this silence…this great stillness…that I realized that I had to let go. I had to completely surrender to the truth of who I am—no matter how “frightening” that may seem. It was in this great stillness–with my hands to the heavens–I told the Universe I am ready. I am ready to live the Life I have been running from because it just didn’t seem logical or responsible or even possible.
I am ready now.
I am ready to wake up every morning in awe and wonder–instead of dread and counting the days to my next school break. I am ready to feed the ideas and thoughts that blossom inside me and trust that they are there to release to the world for the greater good–not just for me–but for the many that I am and will be blessed to reach.
I am ready to sit in the abundance of laughter, LOVE, freedom–beautiful freedom–and MONEY. I am ready to accept that people are paying me for this–and value this–all of this that I am ALIVE to create.
I made my decision. Simple as that.
I decide I will keep on doing what I am doing now–live this Creative Juicy Life being guided deeply by my intuition and expressing–discovering–defining what it means for me to be an Artist. I decide that I will no longer settle for second best. I decide I will only share my energy, time, and resources with something/someone/someplace/somereason that ONLY SERVES THE GREATNESS OF MY BEING-MY SPIRIT-MY CREATIVE JUICY LIFE THAT ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR.
And now that I decide– the most deepest feeling of FREEDOM exists.
I need you to hear me. I need you to see me. I need you to be a witness to the beauty and awe I am truly feeling.
Because the only thing that has been keeping me from living this way…from living my dream…is me.
And lucky for me—I woke up to see.
I woke up to hear.
I woke up to feel the true wonder and awe that is my Creative Juicy Life.
And now I decide how I live it from here.
(all of these photos were taken by ME at Jerome
–on my official first day)
Join The Paint Wisdom Newsletter!
My weekly newsletter is filled with studio updates,
announcements,& short musings intended to nourish your Artist Soul.