The Progression Of The Artist

Before I begin, I must say how absolutely blessed I am.
I am still in complete awe every morning–that this is actually my life.
That I am doing what I want—and basically, to quote Neil Young:

Part of this great blessing that my life has received is a plethora of painting commissions lined up. I get paid to paint FEARLESS for other people.
And I spend most of my day actually painting.

But lately, at night…later then I’d like to admit…
I paint for me.

I have trail markers in this journey called my Creative Juicy Life.
Actual events, moments, or experiences that I look back on and know that a shift occurred–something BIG had changed–or at times, I woke up from sleeping.
This year, so far, the trail markers have appeared like confetti at a party.

I feel that I have finally awaken to the Artist that I am.
Even though this is who I have said I am since I was little–
it is now that I have accepted that this is who I am.
I have fully embraced it–
without apology, excuses, or reasons to scatter my energy in fear that
I will not be good enough-
I will not have enough money-
I will not make others happy-
I will fail, be rejected, and/or misunderstood.
I have fully awaken to my truth.
And it is the truth that sheds light on both my beauty and my flaws.

I feel like for years and years I called myself an Artist–
but I only was playing the role.
I only did what I needed to do to get by with that title slapped on.
I used that title to work–get jobs teaching in Art Museums–
I even used that title to show my Art in galleries.
But I was only floating on the surface of the Artist I truly am.

In all those years of floating, I painted what I was good at.
I painted what I knew best.
Now, fully awaken, I can see that I have so much to learn.
So much to understand.
So many things I wish I was ready for back when I was actually in school.
I see now that there is so much more painting to do.

I am happy and eager to stay up till 3am in the studio.
I am curious.
I want to push. I want to try. I want to fail miserably over and over again
until I learn all I can–
until my soul can start to rest and nestle comfortably
into saying I’m an Artist.
I want to live, breathe, and devour painting.
I am finally ready.

The photos you see here are a progression.
Intervals of a painting I did way past midnight.
I was curious.
I wanted to explore the idea of a shadow.
I wanted to explore how color works together.
I wanted to be fully aware of the evolution of this painting-
that is why I chose to take photos.

Trail markers in a sense.

I have realized that this Creative Juicy Life is a series of progressions.
A series of awakenings and failed beginning.
A series of learning and expressing and letting things simply be the way they exist at that moment.

And just for the record,
this Creative Juicy Life of mine, from here on out,
is all about diving in deep to who I really am
instead of floating comfortably on just being me.
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