My Yoga Journey :: Week 6
Published on March 18, 2011
This past Tuesday I dropped Hansel off at a doctor’s appointment and proceeded to make my way to a coffee shop down the street while I wait. The weather was gorgeous–sun shining, windows down, I’m be-boppin to some great tunes on the radio–and just about ready to pull into a prime parking space in front of the coffee shop when all of a sudden I hear a loud horn and a woman screaming:
That parking space is mine you fucking bitch. I will kill you if you take it you fucking bitch. I’m going to fucking kill you.
When I looked, I realized that she must have been there a second before me and I just didn’t notice with my one-point focus and absorption of the beautiful day–so I backed up and proceeded to pull up next to her and calmly said:
I’m sorry. It was a total accident, I didn’t see you. Have a beautiful day.
You fucking bitch–I’m going to kill you. She responded as she began to pull into the parking space and flipping me off.
At first I was just going to drive away. But then I thought “no–I have every right to my delicious chai as anyone. I’m not going to let her scare me.”
So, a little nervous that she might do something to my car I parked it far away and proceeded to make my way to the coffee shop–shaking a bit from the ordeal.
When I got in there, I had to stand directly behind her in line as we all waited. I focused on my breath and told myself to simply let it go.
Then it was her turn at the counter.
I’m here to see the manager, she said. I’m here for my interview.
When I heard that, I couldn’t help it. I had to say something. That poor unknowing young manager with a pretty smile asked her to sit down and I chirped in and said:
Excuse me, I would like to speak on behalf of this woman’s customer service skills. Just a few moments ago I almost accidentally pulled into that parking space when she began to scream out the window ‘I’m going to kill you you fucking bitch–that parking space is mine you fucking bitch.’ Even though I apologized she still proceeded to flip me off and threaten to kill me–and all of this in front of your customers on the patio. Just thought you should know before you interview her.
The parking space lady turned to me and said Not true.
Yes it is.
Not true. I called you a fucking cunt–you fucking cunt–and I will kill you when you leave here.
And parking space lady ran out the door and straight into her car screaming something.
The poor young manager with a pretty smile looked at me and immediately said Thank you. This was going to be my first interview I do. Thank you for helping me. And, I hope you know it’s not you.
Honey, I know it’s not me. Believe me.
Anyways, after I got my FREE chai, I went into the bathroom and proceeded to wash my face, and my neck, and my arms. I proceeded to pretend I was pulling daggers out of my chest and started throwing them into the toilet. I physically could feel that woman’s pain and anger and energy sticking to me–and all I wanted to do was wash it off and throw it away.
When I finally left the coffee shop I saw her casing the parking lot in her car. And, I might be brave–but stupid I’m not. I wasn’t going to take the chance of walking into the parking lot knowing she might honestly run-me over with her Camry. So for a few minutes I hid behind a column watching. When she had started to finally make her way to the parking lot exit–I proceeded to my car.
As I walked to my car I imagined her being flooded with love and light. I could see the sun just rushing over her and easing all her pain. As I stepped into my car I imagined her driving home to a loving home where people care about her and she is happy. When I began to drive back to the doctor’s office where my dear beloved was–I imagined that lady living a life without such pain and anger anymore. I saw her in my mind laughing and smiling. I just kept sending her love the whole way back to the doctor’s and by the time I got there–I felt at ease–at peace–and less shook up by what had happened.
I realized somethings that day. Some really huge, huge things.
First, I learned that pain is an actual thing. It’s tangible. It’s plausible. It’s like a big ball of buzzing energy with spikes on it.
I learned this–because this woman kept throwing her pain at me–and I could feel it. I could feel it on my chest–like little balls of negative energy attaching to my skin.
I learned this also–because after the venom from those little balls started to seep in–I could feel how I too could take on her pain–I could manipulate it into my own. I could throw them at someone else if I wanted to. That’s why I had to wash myself and pretend to pull her pain off of me immediately. I had to do something, at least in my own mind and heart, that felt like I was cleansing myself of that energy.
But I also learned that day how it feels to be someone attacked. I learned how vulnerable and raw you are left feeling–and when I left the “safety” of the coffee shop into the wide uncertainty of the parking lot–I could feel how absolutely fragile a person feels if they believe that the world is out to attack them–that the world is their enemy–that there are those that want to hurt them.
That was huge to me.
I took note as I stood behind that column watching parking space lady drive around–that there are those in this world that live like this 24/7. That for whatever reasons believe they need to partake in toxic abusive relationship where the other person attacks them in a way similar to what happened to me–or even worse. There are poor children who without any other choice but to live like this as they are victimized by their own parents or other adults they should trust.
This thought alone–that there are people walking around this world so raw and vulnerable and torn open with pain–almost killed me itself. I didn’t need parking space lady to do it.
That’s what made me love parking space lady.
She needs it. She needs love.
The world needs love.
I could have taken that pain she gave me and made it my own. I could have gone to pick up Hansel and shared it with him–and he could have then started his own journey with the pain as well.
Pain travels quickly if we are unaware of it. I realized that. And when you are raw and vulnerable–seriously, who has the strength to realize it–to feel it–and say hey–I don’t want this–I’m going to do what it takes to release it in a positive way.
That’s why there are so many parking space ladies in the world. They are not evil. They are not bad. They have just been beaten down by those negative energy balls so much–have made such a collection of them on their back–are walking around open, raw, and vulnerable–that they do not possess the strength to stop the momentum of those balls energy.
It takes strength. It took me strength–to not attack back. To be kind, calm, and centered.
And, in the end, I chose to dilute those negative energy balls with love. And the more I did–the easier it got. The lighter I felt. The stronger I felt.
But not everybody is me. Not everybody has the strength or courage to surrender to what is happening and to refuse to join into the negative frenzy.
That doesn’t make me in anyway better than parking space lady. It simply makes me more empowered to do the right thing. It gives me a deeper responsibility to act out of compassion–to stop the lineage of pain when I can–to love deeper then most would.
I saw this week for the first time what my yoga journey is really doing to me. And it has nothing–absolutely freaking nothing to do with all those silly poses I do or don’t do on a rubber mat.
In baby steps, I am learning how to love unconditionally–and to love those that need it most.