In This Place Again
Published on May 18, 2011
This is how I’m feeling right now, well, it’s how I’ve been feeling for awhile. I’m restless, a bit confused, antsy–and deep down I know that I need to stop and listen to hear what my inner truth is telling me.
A year ago exactly I was finishing up the school year. I was packing away my personal items and moving them to another school. The “plan” was that I would be going down to part-time. That I would be working still as a part time Art teacher and doing Dirty Footprints Studio for the other “part time”.
I knew as I wheeled my boxes of lesson plans and keepsakes from my car to my new classroom that this would be the last this school would see of me. I knew it deep within my soul even though I was afraid at the time to announce it out loud.
So summer went by and when it was almost time to start school up again, my inner wisdom refused to let me not hear what it kept trying to say. My stomach got sick–I couldn’t eat–sleep was impossible–and then finally I just felt absolutely physically horrible. I knew I couldn’t go back. I just knew that’s not what the Universe was asking of me. My inner wisdom was so fed up with me ignoring her–that it went whoop-ass on my body.
I’ll always remember June 6, 2010 (Frida Kahlo’s birthday by the way)–as I drove to my new school and told them I quit. When I left the building I could literally feel the breeze rush against my cheek and the weight of years of frustration just melt right off of me. But I still didn’t have a clue–a real plan of what comes next. I’ve played this whole year out by following my intuition–by letting myself co-create with the universe–by simply being an Artist.
But now how the hell did I get here again? Why the knots in my stomach and the truth that keeps sitting at the top of my throat? Why do I feel like there is something else I need to be doing–something that’s more in alignment with who I really am?
Part of me is mourning that things didn’t work out the way I had hoped. That I would find a new path that I would travel down endlessly. But a bigger part of me is excited, interested, and curious to know what lies ahead.
I won’t repeat the same mistake twice. I won’t let myself get to the point where my inner wisdom has to throw a tantrum to get my attention. I know that something bigger here is at play…and that this fear I feel is leading me in the right direction.
But why oh why can’t it just be easy? Why couldn’t I be a soul that settles for something instead of one that keeps searching and searching?