Time To Clear The Air
Published on August 10, 2015
Five years ago, though it feels much longer, I sat on the couch at Chris’s studio and bawled my eyes out. I knew with every ounce of my body what I needed to do. I could hear the whispers of my Soul getting louder and the skin around my wrists and ankles tighten like chains when I ignored it.
What terrified me was that I could no longer ignore it. I went for years learning how to shuffle it around and pretend everything was fine.
But not now. The stakes were much higher, at least that’s what I told myself.
So I did it. I went home and declared to Hansel that I would be quitting my job to pour myself into Dirty Footprints Studio, to teach FEARLESS® Painting full time.
The following day I talked to my one trusted colleague…then my principal…then my supervisor and everyone said the same thing. Take it slow. Go to part time. Give yourself some space to make this transition. It’s such a terrible economy.
So that’s what I did. Or at least I tried.
Once the school year was rounding down and before summer break cut loose, I landed a part time position for the next year. This felt good. It felt safe and smart. Like the adult thing to do.
Though the best part is that that summer break I lived like I had no job to return to.
When July crept in and teachers and the principal and my supervisor started calling wondering when I would be coming in to organize my room, my body began to shut down. I couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. And I had a strange skin hive that kept crawling around my chest like a security guard on alert.
I became heavy in every way possible and all that practicality and poor economy and giving myself space wasn’t lightening the load.
So I did what I knew I had to do.
July 6, 2010. Frida Kahlo’s birthday.
I walked in and asked what I needed to do to resign. What papers did I need to file? Who did I have to sit in front of and plea my case since I was already under contract?
Hours later I walked through the parking lot and stretched my arms out as wide as I could. The breeze danced around me. Twisting. Twirling. Tickling my skin.
And for the first time, in a long, long time, I felt light again.
Its been five years and I could not have predicted or planned any of this.
Especially the heaviness I feel once again.
Creating this website was such an emotional experience for me. In one way it felt absolutely amazing. For so long I’ve wanted a beautiful online home for my work, my FEARLESS® Painting, my dreams and my dear 21 SECRETS.
But on the other hand, it felt confusing at times.
I spent months defining what it is that I do, what I offer, and in some silly way who I am as well. But most of the time I felt like I was defining someone I once was or something that lies softly on the surface of my heart — like a favorite piece of clothing I can’t bare to part with.
Except I made room for the heaviness this time, instead of pretending it wasn’t here. I rubbed my toes against it while it laid at my feet as I worked on revision after revision. I let it cradle my ambition as I decided which things to keep and which things to fade away. I spent a lot of time nursing it as I confided in my friends that I wasn’t really sure anymore about any of this.
Except for one thing. I know I want to write.
I know I need to write.
I know there’s something new waiting to come through me and so I want to meet it face on when it arrives.
And today I just felt like it was time.
Time to clear the air. Time to begin a new journey.
Time to get out of my own way and let the uncertainty inside me finally breathe.
Are you ready to teach, create, & craft the life your heart is craving? IGNITE starts January 11th — early bird registration is now open & accepting only 12 women. CLICK HERE to learn more.
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