From time to time a dark cloud seems to float on into my mental atmosphere. This storm cloud arrived last night, actually a little after going to yoga class. Can you believe it–I went to yoga class finally! When I left, I felt a little extra room to breathe. But when I got home, I started to feel depressed. Things that normally wouldn’t bother me, started to play out as catastrophic dramas in my head. I talked to friends on the phone, thinking getting things out would make things more clear. But, it didn’t too much. I turned into bed early, thinking sleep would be the remedy, but waking this morning I could sense its presence lingering in the corner of the bedroom.
I went to yoga class again today! (Yippee!) But, when Paula, my teacher said, “today, in honor of mother’s day we are going to work on the core. Because as women, we hold so much inner strength, and that radiates from our core. “, I lost it. I started crying. Then, the whole class I was beating myself up because my body is just not up to the shape it once was a couple months ago before I was swallowed by my job. All this stress, lack of sleep, cheese & carb overload, has come into class with me, and it’s making things not come so easy. Expectations, huh?!? What about Ahimsa-or non-violence? Beating myself up right there smack in the center of a yoga studio–how is that practicing yoga?
So I decided today I would do something that makes me always feel good, that I haven’t done in awhile. Nyla and I climbed Thunderbird Mountain. It’s not the Himalayas, that’s for sure, but it’s not an anthill either. It’s a tasty hike with a nice view of Glendale and Peoria when you reach the summit. It felt good.
But I ‘m still a little grey. I guess I just need to marinate in it for awhile. I guess that’s just what is.
Before getting on this post I pulled a tarot card. I do this from time to time too, when the storm clouds appear. Funny thing, the last few times, including today, I always pull the same card. Listen, I shuffle and shuffle and then randomly choose from a spread deck, and I keep getting the Queen of Wands. She’s the card symbolizing self-knowledge.
I try to blame my storm cloud on other situations, on other people, even my mushy body that can barely hold a pose in yoga. But the storm cloud is a part of me, a little nugget of my existence. It has nothing to do with anything or anybody, or even my body. It ‘s an arrow pointing me inward to dive deeper into myself. When I think of it this way, my cloud begins to dissipate. I begin to appreciate the hues of my life a little better. I try to have compassion. How we forget to be compassionate for ourselves.