When Fear Comes Rolling In
Published on July 23, 2009
This is a photo of “The Good Life” taken in the Dirty Footprints Studio.
The last day of school, before summer vacation, was a Thursday in May. On that day I had my classroom cleaned and packed away, all 906 students’ grades entered into the computer, required end-of-the-year paperwork finished, and a fun last day planned to sit and watch Wallace and Gromit on the large screen in the library with my kiddos. I am such the Art Teacher dynamo that I even embedded learning into this fun event–and we watched the “how it was made” extras on the DVD and had a long discussion about clay animation. Half way through my day I was called down to the Principal’s office. Yep, even when teacher’s get called down to the Principal’s office…it’s rarely a good sign! I was being reprimanded for wearing jeans (on the last day) and violating teacher’s dress code. I, tongue in cheek, insisted they send me home (which is about a half hour drive each way) to change clothes. But instead I got a slap on the wrist and sent back to my duty as babysitter. Oops, I mean teacher.
The reason why I am telling you about this little scenario is because it sheds a lot of light on the priorities and the way things are run at my school….that I affectionately (another tongue in cheek) call Alcatraz.
Those of you that have been my loyal readers know how much I struggled last year when it came to my job. Finally, towards the end of the school year, I decided to let go–of how I thought things should be, of how I wanted things to be, of how I even wished I was in Costa Rica instead. Consciously letting go of these mind games I was playing on myself–kept me in the present moment, and actually made things clearer and easier to navigate through. Then in April, when I started running in the mornings–this little practice made everything in my life feel better!
But now, I’m going to be honest. I’m scared. I’m really freaking scared.
I know…I know what you’re thinking….there is no room for fear in a CREATIVE JUICY LIFE. I absolutely agree with you. But I’m still scared.
I’m scared that I will walk back into that environment and all the negativity, gossip, bouncy balls of stress, and unaligned values will start to eat at me again. I’m scared that this new Creative Juicy Life that I have been building–living–enjoying for the last two months will start to disintegrate.
In my heart there is a way of living in which I feel completely aligned–where I am excited to create–where I yearn to go out into the world and share. The deal is, I can’t fully define it into something tangible just yet. Something that can take the place of my job, that is. Well no, that’s not exactly true either.
I can define the bits and pieces that I want to put together that creates this life in my heart. I can actually see it, feel it, and get so excited by simply experiencing it in my mind–that my heart will start to race and I’ll become so full of joy that I’ll laugh so hard till I cry. I live this life of mine everyday completely through vibrations. Like chanting om in a large room of Yogis—those vibrations are real..you can feel what the impact it makes on your body–the room–the Universe even. So I know that my Creative Juicy Life will manifest itself into a life that will also provide for me financially. It has to.
But until then, can these vibrations help me get through another year at my school?
So, starting today, I declare to take my CREATIVE JUICY LIFE seriously…and literally. I plan to use Dirty Footprints Studio as a platform to define it, a mirror to reflect on it, and a prayer to the Universe to manifest it.
My first challenge–how does one deal with fear in living a Creative Juicy Life?
The answers still to come…..
Peace & Love.