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Not Knowing

87b14-notknowing
Three months ago I was strolling the aisles at Target looking for little twinkly lights.

Instead I found this great notebook with a gold and turquoise design on the cover that would fit perfectly in my purse if I had one.

So I bought that instead, not knowing exactly what I would use it for.

A week later I started a new practice.  I call it vision writing.

Every evening, before I crawl into bed, I write my vision for my life.

Even if it’s the same thing as the day before, and the day before that.  I write it.

Why?

Well, I spent the last couple years literally just trying to survive.

Using my arms as hammers to keep the walls from falling down
and my heart as a ventilator in hope to keep my husband alive.

I gave birth to a Phoenix, literally and spiritually.

And somehow I started the Hero’s journey without ever giving my consent.

And so I needed this notebook, because I lost touch with what it meant to dream.

I needed this notebook, to remember the stuff that makes me me.

From the first page, till maybe a couple weeks ago, things were progressing slowly.

Ease–Abundance–Simplicity.  Are the words I kept repeating.

Ease.
Abundance.
Simplicity.

Ease.
Abundance.
Simplicity.

Then sentences started to call their way through.
Sometimes even a paragraph or two.

And then finally.

Veils started to lift.
Clarity began to sink in.
Magic became an ordinary part of my day.

I started to understand everything in a way I haven’t done before.

And all I could hear inside me is Connie write.  Connie write.  Connie write.
Just like when Jenny yelled out Run Forrest Run.

I know it sounds crazy, but that’s all I want to do.
That’s where the flow is taking me.

So I wake up now at 3am and I go to bed by 8 if I can.

Because I found I write best with the sunrise–
when the birds are starting to sing
and the highway is still quiet.

I found a little pocket where I can slip into.
A little space where I can be me again.

I’m putting down the hammers and turning off the life support.

I’m picking up my truth again.
Dusting it off.
And stepping forward.
Not knowing where I am headed.

Oh yes.
Not knowing where I am headed.

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