My Own Discomfort With Staying Safe

Yesterday I was feeling totally in a funk when over on my Instagram account I posted the photo from above and the following comment:

I have been sitting here at one of my “satellite offices” trying to write a blog post.  I’m not feeling it.  I don’t mean today, I mean for a long while actually.  I look back through my archives & see how much I’ve shared over the seven years online & I even remember how energized I once felt by blogging, but that’s not where I’m at anymore.  Part of me feels sad & even a bit nervous, to be honest.  My heart misses community.  The kind where people stop over for a drink on the porch or to watch a movie.  I don’t want another like on a photograph, I appreciate your comments yes, but how I wish I knew the sound of your voice — how I wish I felt your presence as you walked into a room.  #thisismyconfession

What was really beautiful was the comments from my Instagram friends that followed.  Three of them really stood out to me because it was from Souls expressing how they too felt this way and were making an effort to meet fellow online friends in person this 2015.

That’s exactly what I needed to hear.  It’s exactly the spunk that knocked me out of my funk and straight back into a space of gratitude.

(Isn’t it awesome how gratitude is the answer to just about everything!?!)

I immediately remembered that this week I am headed for not one, but actually two retreats where I’ll be meeting some pretty amazing online friends in person myself.

My whole perspective and heart song shifted in an instant.

From there I took some time to count my blessings, and let me tell you, I have many.

The fact that I am even bored with blogging is one of them.  Boredom shows up when I’m not paying attention actually.  It’s a symptom of something larger.  And that something larger for me, is that I’m in a place where I need to grow and take risks, but I’m probably holding onto something that’s keeping me  from expanding into a new, more authentic expression of my true self.

Well not probably, I believe I am.

But here’s the tricky part.  I really have no crystal clear idea on what that new expression is or should look and feel like.  I just have a good strong sense that there is something new wanting to flow through me.

And this is why boredom is such a safe space, and why it’s so easy for me to stay there and go on blaming everything around me like a blog, the internet or a lack of community, for how I am feeling inside.

But when I dig deeper, I realize what I’m truly feeling is my own discomfort with staying safe.  That’s really it.

It’s kind of silly, but sometimes I need to remind myself that it’s human nature to grow and change and shift and evolve and die and be renewed.  And that a big part of growth is messy, ugly, and many times down right fucking uncomfortable.  I guess that’s why it’s easier to retreat to boredom and discontent just to keep things tidy, familiar, and not much of a hassle.

Anyways, I got the message Universe.

I got the message loud and clear.