I Never Meant To Write This
Published on May 23, 2011
Last week I was rushing out the door to run to Yoga class when I tripped over a surprise package sitting outside the front door. It was a book. A book wrapped in a cardboard box from Amazon–and it had my name on it. When I opened it up inside there was no invoice, no note, just the memoir All That Is Bitter & Sweet by Ashley Judd.
I put down my mat for a second and randomly opened the hardcover book and this is the first tiny paragraph that my eyes fell upon:
I am asked by my spiritual practice to examine the violence in my own thoughts, where all violence starts. I am asked to regard even “justified anger” as dubious luxury. I am asked to remember I have no idea what I am capable of, under such circumstances. I am asked to love my enemies.
Yeah, that hit me. So I sat down for just a second more and opened the book to another page.
My aim, when I began this journey, was to make my life an act of worship, to be useful to my fellows. To do this, I would witness firsthand the stories of the poorest of the poor and carry their narratives like treasure home to the richest country in the world, America. I hoped it might be possible that I could help change, and perhaps even save, lives.
After reading that I decided to pick up my mat and put it back inside. I walked through the living room where Hansel was finishing up watching the movie Eat Pray Love for the first time (isn’t he adorable?!) and I heard Julia Robert’s voice talk about how when we are on a journey–either inward or outward, we need to be open that everything that is presented to us is our teacher.
I believe in oracles. I always have.
And when a book mysteriously appears on your doorstep as you mindlessly try to get somewhere, it is in one’s best interest to not take these kisses from the Universe as meaningless flirting.
So I never made it to Yoga class that night. Instead I worked my way through half the book as my sweet doggie Nyla snuggled by my side.
And this blog post was intended to be about something else but by now I forgot what that was. The truth is that nothing lasts forever, and I don’t declare that in some doomsday, heavy hearted fashion. I say it out loud–my words dripping wet with promise, excitement, and reasons beyond counting to be grateful for each moment.
And I say it because I’ve finally surrendered to the fact that this big Creative Juicy Life of mine is calling to move in a new direction.
My eyes are wide open to oracles-
my heart is deeply listening.
And change is already at my doorstep, so it is wise that I stop pretending.