How I Almost Threw It All Away

Last year I put myself through a grueling creative process for literally months.  I was going against the grain of everything I know as true–and trying and trying and TRYING to “figure out” just what direction my creativity and hence, my business, needed to move in.

You can ask any of my friends or close colleagues, and they’ll tell ya!  I was like a broken 45–constantly saying that I know things need to change–but how? when? where? why?  and what have you!?!?!

And then one morning, around 2am, I was sitting in the living room in the midst of notebooks and mind maps when it came to me–drop Dirty Footprints Studio.  Leave it all behind.

Step into your bigness.

And from that point a forest set fire in my mind.  I started to create strategies and build a plan.  I sat for hours thinking about who is my ideal audience and how can I speak to them–and a bunch of foreign jargon like that.

I even went so far to lasso in my designer, hire an incredible photographer, and schedule an expensive make-up artist for a personal photo shoot.

Everyone was on board.  We all understood that this next phase of my creativity and career was all about stepping into my bigness.  Whatever the hell that meant!

And then one morning, on a Tuesday, I woke up.

Like really.

I woke up.

The kind of waking up where you say what the hell am I doing?  How did I get here?

This isn’t me.

And I pulled the plug on everything.

Especially stepping into my bigness.

And boy–it wasn’t easy.  I felt horrible about it.  I felt confused.  And most of all I felt small.

If building a bigger, shinier, more larger-than-life website / persona / business is not the next thing I need to step into–than what the hell is?

So once again, I was back where I started.  Restless. Questioning.  Sort of listening.  And resisting letting go.

But this time, instead of mind maps, business plans, and marketing strategies–I thought I’d do what I do best.  I pulled out my paintbrushes and painted the Feminine.

Instead of talking about my restlessnss and over analyzing things again and again with my patient friends–I retreated inward.

I committed myself to a 40 day practice of chanting and prayer each morning.

I sat in silence each night.

I sought stillness like a rabid beast instead of hooking answers like fish.

I sank into myself–instead of stepping into something.

And that’s all it took.

My Painting The Feminine series helped me release so much energetic debris and heavy baggage.

And my daily prayer?  There’s no words to describe the medicine this practice has delivered.

All I can say is that I no longer need to know the how? when? where? why?  and what have you!?!?!

I just need to be open, receptive, brave, and kind.

No need to be bigger and demand more space.
Or be shinier and command more attention.

My job is to just keep clearing the path.

One blessed step after another–keep clearing the path, Connie.

Keep clearing the path.